Back from Hiatus

Well, my friends, it’s been a while!

For those who didn’t know, I spent the last two months, including Christmas & New Years in the hospital for my lovely mental illness symptoms (suicidal plans & desires). Some of that was partial hospitalization but most was inpatient. At one point I went through 31 days of some change in my meds, a chemical warfare that was so terrible I hope never to repeat. We even found a med that made me feel homicidal. Awesome!

I experienced very dark days while in the hospital, plumbing the depths of hopelessness for new lows. I still have little hope, but I’m able to go through my days as if I had hope, while I wait for it to return. I’m sure I’ll write more about this another time.

Sometimes I felt the thin lines that connect me to people, places, objects so fragile & unimportant that it would be best to snip those lines. I know that was the illness and the med changes talking, but it was real and scary. I have little hope that those days are over. These symptoms keep recurring, and I seem to have difficulties with meds, so… I’m likely to go through it again, I imagine.

My mom is staying with us for another month to help me get back on my feet. And I’m falling back into the healthy routines I established back in the fall when I was doing better. But my old nemesis, severe back pain, which flares up from my chronic pain from time to time, is back. Which means I’m dealing with the intersection of deep physical and mental pain. Yay! More on that another time too, most likely.

Thank you for joining me on this journey again. Thank you to everyone who posted encouragingly on FB & twitter. And many thanks to those who looked out for Dave during this terrible time.

8 responses to “Back from Hiatus

  1. So sorry to hear all that you have been through. I can somewhat relate. I did not have to be inpatient but had a few really deep dark depression months, lost my doctor of 10 years and I can’t seem to get any of my meds right. My husband and my mom have been keeping me alive but just barely. I hope my next visit goes well and moods start to stabilize better. Anyways I have not wrote since Nov so you have inspired me enough to write this much. Hopefully the two of us can find our way back to a normal routine. So glad you are home and that wrote today. That seemed to make me not feel so alone in this jungle of bipolar

  2. Dolores Nice-Siegenthaler

    Deb, I’m so glad to be reading your blog again–the expanded words (as opposed to the Facebook updates) seem to create a cloak that I imagine becomes warming and inspiriting, inviting incarnation. Thank you for expanding and sharing. Blessings, and may you discover presence where you perceived only absence.

  3. MB McCandless

    Thanks for continuing to share Deb. peace be with you.

  4. You have been through a lot. That totally sucks. Keep in touch. And keep writing. ❤

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