Week Two: Prepare

Advent Two: Prepare

The Second Week of Advent brings an emphasis on Preparing the way for Christ to come. We hear the story of John the Baptist crying out in the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord’s arrival.

The only thing is… I feel nothing. It’s more than not feeling in the mood for Christmas, or feeling in the mood to announce the coming of the Lord at Christmas, or feeling in the mood to prepare my heart and life for the coming of peace. It’s more like feeling numb, though that’s not it either. Sitting in church on Sunday, all I felt was a low level of anxiety, irritation, jittery, racing thoughts and skeptical (as though the faithful proclaim absurdities).

I felt only a glimmer of Hope last week (theme for Advent Week One) as I wait for healing and wholeness to come. I intellectually hope for the healing of the world. But I don’t feel it.

I’m concerned that I’m not feeling. I’m concerned that I’m so skeptical and condescending about the faith and ritual that used to give me so much comfort and excitement. I’m concerned that I don’t feel thankful, and instead feel so focused on myself, selfish even. All I can do is concentrate on keeping a healthy schedule and managing racing thoughts and promoting concentration.

Maybe it’s the season of caring for myself and hoping for care from others. We all go through seasons of life. I guess I haven’t been in this season before, which is why it feels so strange. I wish I felt something other than selfish, though.

6 responses to “Week Two: Prepare

  1. I believe you are right…you are entering into the unknown…the normalcy without your disease haunting you as much…and it is strange…None of us are perfect in our feelings or actions…and living in this world of unrest hast taken it’s it’s tole on all…you are not alone…but, do take care of “you” right now…that is what you should do…and without ourselves feeling good …it is hard to consider others and things outside of ourselves…best to you…Merry Christmas!

  2. Lisa Barrowclough

    Oh how I wish we lived closer to one another, so that we could meet for coffee … or ice cream, which I find far more therapeutic! The separation between what one can intellectualize and feel is something I understand all too well, and it is the cause of much frustration. I assume nobody else understands this, but I have found more and more folks who do and, as I have grown to trust them with vulnerable-me, talking through some of these things has been helpful. I hope and pray for these people in your life too.

    The unknown/uncharted territory can be a scary place, but it’s also fresh and clean – without judgments of the past or those “old tapes” we all tend to play over and over. It still frightens me, but I’m gradually more willing to go there, because I’ve actually liked it more than once!

    As for Advent, I tend to choose the peace theme – I find hope and joy beyond my reach too often, and I still find myself hard to love. But peace, I long for peace! Merry Christmas!

    • Thanks Lisa! I’m so glad someone understands the separation between intellectual & feeling parts! Wish we were closer too, so we could talk!

      I like the idea of peace for Advent. I think I’ve been trying to focus on that even though trying to go through the other topics: hope, prepare, and now joy.

      Talk to soon, through the interwebs!

  3. May I suggest a book called The Happiness Trap? I’m reading it right now, and finding it helpful in dealing with emotions that aren’t always where I’d like them to be, but still finding ways to act on my values and move toward the life I want, rather than being entirely defined by those feelings.

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