The Second Week of Advent brings an emphasis on Preparing the way for Christ to come. We hear the story of John the Baptist crying out in the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord’s arrival.
The only thing is… I feel nothing. It’s more than not feeling in the mood for Christmas, or feeling in the mood to announce the coming of the Lord at Christmas, or feeling in the mood to prepare my heart and life for the coming of peace. It’s more like feeling numb, though that’s not it either. Sitting in church on Sunday, all I felt was a low level of anxiety, irritation, jittery, racing thoughts and skeptical (as though the faithful proclaim absurdities).
I felt only a glimmer of Hope last week (theme for Advent Week One) as I wait for healing and wholeness to come. I intellectually hope for the healing of the world. But I don’t feel it.
I’m concerned that I’m not feeling. I’m concerned that I’m so skeptical and condescending about the faith and ritual that used to give me so much comfort and excitement. I’m concerned that I don’t feel thankful, and instead feel so focused on myself, selfish even. All I can do is concentrate on keeping a healthy schedule and managing racing thoughts and promoting concentration.
Maybe it’s the season of caring for myself and hoping for care from others. We all go through seasons of life. I guess I haven’t been in this season before, which is why it feels so strange. I wish I felt something other than selfish, though.