Many things in my mind are influenced by bipolar disorder. Right now I am struggling with racing thoughts and therefore difficult concentration. Who knows how long it will take to write this brief reflection? It’s been two hours already and I only have bullet points.
Today I am reflecting yet again about what I actually miss after the events of this year. On the surface I wish I could return to pastoring the congregation I left when I was in the hospital for the first time. Then I have to ask, what do I really miss about the job, what am I grieving, and what do I miss about my life before?
What I miss about the job:
- Preaching, Creating and leading worship
- Church Administration and Casting a Vision
- Website and print materials layout
- Hospital Visits
What I am grieving:
- A major life change of job
- Giving up a job I thought I loved
- A major life change with health and new routines
What I miss about my life before bipolar diagnosis:
- Being busy, having things to do
- Chaos, though this is not the best thing to miss.
My thoughts and life had been chaotic for so long (20+ years?) – jumping from activity to activity and thought to thought. Even having 3 part time jobs while a full-time grad student. So, I’m told it’s natural that I would miss that feeling since I had it for so long. And hence I miss a job where chaos was the usual – thoughts and actions needing to be on several things at once.
So… I have lots to process. It’s helpful to list out what I miss, in order to go deeper and do the grief work of all the change in my life. That is the painful part. The Longing and Sadness because I miss something is what comes up in my dreams, but truly that is the surface feeling. The grief about a complete change of life is much deeper, and I haven’t faced that yet. I’m still processing the sadness and longing.
Thanks for listening to my reflections today. It’s nice to have an audience of sorts to help know that it’s not all in my head!