I’m still unbelievably grateful that I’ve had a row of good days, where the fog seems less, the depression seems lessened, and I feel…good! Motivation and energy are still quite low. Switching back to regular coffee in the morning has helped a little with getting me going on morning tasks such as showering, eating.
These good days and feeling almost good helped with yesterday’s meltdown, something that wouldn’t have been possible without feeling good. Something got unlocked – that longing. And I couldn’t have tolerated the deep, painful feeling without the general feeling good experience I was having.
I still greatly miss social opportunities each day – some interaction with people I know and like and converse with both laughingly and deeply. I think that’s what makes me miss the community and fellowship of worship and church life. And the reason I miss daily conversations about things that matter, and that we’re making a difference as we talk about them – rubber meeting the road by living as a church community. I miss that action desperately too. I’m finding the healing schedule I live with mostly dull – and lonely – and so utterly focused on self.
Yet I literally have no energy to act. Basic actions each day are a struggle. Or I can be meeting with someone and instantly run out of energy and need to leave. My care team has not released me to volunteer anywhere yet for this and many other reasons (such as, I’m not well enough yet, I don’t know my own limits yet, I only know how to give and not how to take yet).
Selfishly, I feel there are not many giving to me, to learn how to take (a lie, I would think, something I have to challenge with rational thoughts, since there are many online who respond and give).
Selfishly, I feel that I can’t pray for others, something I’m guessing several people will suggest as something I can do. There’s just too much outward flow of energy when I’m needing so much right now.
And maybe that’s the deal for now. I have to receive energy, to take from others, as part of my healing process. I don’t know my limits, I only give in relationships – both before diagnosis, and now while I’m healing too. I’m not whole yet. The longing I felt for the church and pastoring, and for action that matters is a true longing, but perhaps if I’m honest, it’s what I need to receive right now. I need to receive church, to receive pastoring, to receive merciful action.