Today I sat down to sort through medical and housing allowance and tax year receipts. It has been one of those years when the sorting & filing hasn’t been done. Which turns tax time into crazy time instead of just looking at work that had been done already.
I knew it had to be done, but I’ve been dreading it for months because my brain isn’t working the way I need it to in order to get the job done. And last night I had several anxiety dreams and nightmares, leaving me in a less than ideal state to work on this task. But this morning I collected my nerve, got started and rested several times during the process. “I can do this,” I kept telling myself.
Yet I was shaky all day. Internally shaky from anxiety, hands shaking (from coffee?), and even my eyes shaking as I read. This was worse than my now usual inability to hold a thought long enough to remember it.
I don’t recognize myself like this. I know it will clear up when I’m done with ECT and when I get stronger control of the anxiety disorder. On the one hand I recognize all the anxiety I’ve been living with for decades (no kidding–decades). And on the other hand this heightened level of anxiety is way over.the.top.
Or maybe I need a different self-image. One that takes into account cycles of anxiety and moods. One that notes the strength it takes to manage these cycles.
Until then I guess I go with being shaky and try to trust that I’m still making good decisions.
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